My Desert

Image by Edal Anton Lefterov

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness

to be tempted by the devil.

~Matthew 4:1

I have two different ideas about what I might like my future to look like. One vision of my future, if God wills me to be around then, is a garden. A lovely rural farm with plenty of green growing things. This is the more practical vision: it makes sense. With a lovely small rural farm I might have all that I need: water, shelter, and a variety of foods I could grow. And I love gardens. Surely I should desire this.

The other vision is much more strange, much less practical. There is in fact almost nothing that could appeal in such a vision. A mountain in a desert. A primitive home hewn from the rock. This is not so much a home as a tomb. Who would want this? To quote Prince Feisal in the movie Lawrence of Arabia, "There is nothing in the desert and no man needs nothing."

There is something in the desert, and it is this nothing. Why did so many of the Old Testament prophets go wandering in the desert? Why did John the Baptist live in the desert when he wasn't baptizing in the Jordan? Why did Jesus go into the desert? This. When you are in the desert, there is nothing and nobody but you, God and the Devil. That's all you get. This would be a truly frightening prospect for most people. People go mad in the desert.

The problem with NOT living in the desert though, is you have so many exciting things to distract yourself with. Maybe this morning you will start your day out with a nice double cappucino, go on to a challenging and interesting day at your workplace, leave and go out for a nice meal at that new restaurant you have been hearing so much about, and then to round out the evening watch the new Avengers movie on DVD or play the latest games. And you are diverted from ever once thinking about yourself or God. Certainly you are diverted from paying attention to any failings or weaknesses you may have as a person. You don't have to improve yourself.

I don't really want to be a part-time child of God. I want to do it full-time, intently, seriously. Do you remember the story of Mary and Martha, sisters of Lazarus in Bethany, and how Martha was so busy with the preparations for the meal and making things ready for her guests and so on? Meanwhile her sister Mary was just sitting at Jesus' feet, listening. Martha was unhappy about this and so asked Jesus to tell Mary to help Martha with the work.

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,

but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better,

and it will not be taken away from her.”

~Luke 10:41-42

God bless the Marthas of this world, but I am not one. I'm like Mary. I'm going straight for the good stuff. That is why I sometimes dream of a cave in the desert. I don't want to read about the god-mad saints and prophets, people like John the Baptist, people like St. Anthony. I don't want to read about the mystics like Meister Eckhart or Marguerite Porete or the Beguines or St. Francis. I want to be like them. That's a steep mountain to climb, I know, but why settle for the washing-up?

However, the problem with somedays is that they don't exist. Someday never comes. If I ever do live in the desert, it won't be someday, it will be that day's now. If I live on a farm, that will be that day's now. You think about someday and in so doing don't focus on where you are here and now, which is the only thing you know you have.

So I have to live in my desert in the here and now, in a suburb of a major city. That is rather difficult. So many distractions are near at hand. But this is the desert I got. I am fortunate in that I don't have to work, or at least not to any significant extent. I don't have a car, I have to bike anywhere I want to go, so that cuts down on recreational activities. So it is not that different from a desert. But I do have distractions far too readily to hand.

One thing I am learning is how little I can live on. Today I had a yogurt and some slices of homemade whole wheat bread and some chocolate. I'm not hungry, I just don't want more than that. I don't have a car, I have my bicycles including a cargo tricycle to carry groceries in. So when I need stuff I can get it but there is some austerity involved. It's not like popping round to the shops in a car. Hauling 60 pounds of grub on a big heavy tricycle that might as well be made of cast iron, it's not hardly convenient. But it's good. Keeps me from doing it casually.

This is not something most people would do, but the consolations I have already received from following this path however imperfectly are such that I cannot imagine not doing it, wherever the future might bring me.

Why go into the desert? Why live like I am in the desert when I am here? Because being in the desert with intention is how you burn away whatever is in you that keeps you from God.