History of Monotheism Up Until Now

 

G-D YHWH ALMIGHTY:

"And now, O Israel, give heed to the laws and rules that I am instructing you to observe, so that you may live to enter and occupy the land that the Lord, the God of your fathers, is giving you.

You shall not add anything to what I command you (in the Torah)

or take anything away from it,

but keep the commandments of the Lord your God that I enjoin upon you."

~Deuteronomy 4:1-2



THE JEWS:

"But Lord, we have these awesome rabbis, Lord, who we really like so much and whose words we really like so much and which help to explain so much, so we want to print about 12 volumes of what they said and put it right up on the shelf next to what You say, oh Lord, so we can have both the cool stuff You said and the cool stuff THEY said and obey both! Because these very wise men surely would not -overcomplicate/obfuscate/ritualize/completely misunderstand- what You said because they are so wise!

And we certainly can't be bothered to figure out all this stuff on our own. We'd rather someone tell us. You know, a professional religious expert. It's complicated, You certainly can't want us to entrust Your word to amateurs? I mean,when you do that you get..."


THE CHRISTIANS:

"Yo, you are forgetting about God's son Jesus. Who told us to ignore some of the things you Jews said and indeed some of the things Moses said as commanded by God, because he is God's son and he can do that."


THE JEWS:

"Whut???"


THE CHRISTIANS:

"Ya, God has a son, named Jesus, and he commanded us to ignore your 12 volume book and in fact to ignore the Torah EVEN THOUGH IT IS STILL SCRIPTURE AT THE SAME TIME. It is still scripture AND we can still ignore it. Jesus be cool like that."



THE JEWS:

(After some of their brains collapse from the sheer stupidity, the survivors respond:)

"I am going to say this very slowly so that you can understand. One, God said that the Torah is His word and you should absolutely obey it...."


THE CHRISTIANS:

"You mean like you do, without ADDING ANYTHING TO IT, eh....?"


THE JEWS:

"Shaddap, I am not finished. Secondly, God said that He should not be represented as any created being, which a human being like Jesus is definitely a created being. Thirdly He said He is ONE GOD, He had no partners, no helpers, HE ALONE IS GOD AND THERE ARE NO OTHER GODS. No Trinity. No deified humans. JUST GOD ALONE. No other gods. Any other gods, and you get polytheism, so you Christians are functionally polytheists."


THE CHRISTIANS:

"JEEEE-SUS IS MOAR AWESOME we get wine and biscuits and CHRISTMAS and Easter eggs HUK HUK HUK EAT IT JEWS."


THE JEWS:

*sigh* "How long, O Lord?"




THE MUSLIMS:

"Your holy books, the Tanakh AND the New Testament, ARE BOTH holy books AND we get to ignore them and tell people NOT to read them but read our totally plagiarized version instead. Written by ignorant savages, it's more better.

Also, you get to walk in circles around giant cubes and kiss rocks AND THAT IS NOT PAGANISM IN ANY WAY even though pagans used to do that very same thing with the very same or similar cube and rock. IT LOOKS LIKE PAGANISM BUT ITS NOT BECAUSE WE SAY SO.

Also also, we get to stick the cube in the middle of nowhere, which is nowhere near a trade route or fields or streams and then call that Mecca* even though the original Mecca is described in the Quran as being a hub of a major trade route and having fields and streams and city walls and being a major site of pagan pilgrimage to boot.

You know, exactly like PETRA was, but we are going to say it was not Petra (although we used to pray directly at Petra and not Mecca* as is proven by the direction of our qiblas in this time period) and instead this place in the middle of absolute god-forsaken nowhere with no archeological evidence of any sign of civilization whatsoever above the goat-sexing level is what we are now calling Mecca*. Where we have put the cube. That people walk circles around. With the black stone which is definitely not pagan even though Arabians used to worship stones. And you will believe this.

Also also also, our prophet had sex with a NINE YEAR OLD and that is totally okay. And if you say it is not WE KEEEEEEELL U.

Also, we admit the archangel Gabriel or devils or jinn or something told Muhammad crazy shit to test him, but we also know the difference between the crazy shit and the non-crazy shit Muhammad said.

Also, Jinn are a thing. Sentient life forms that you cannot see unless you are crazy or Muhammad. We cannot prove Jinn exist, but the Quran mentions them so there. They are in fact in every way the equal of human beings, having free will, presumably full lives of their own, but you can't see them. But they're there. But you can't see them.

Also, we kill, tax, make peace treaties with or treat leniently disbelievers depending on what passage you quote. Allah knew we needed flexibility. But if we kill the infidels, we are totally covered from a Quranic point of view. As we are if we do actually ANYTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER to them. Cover them in bacon. Okay. Feed them to Jinn, assuming Jinn eat people. Okay. Rain whipped cream on their heads. Okay. Invite them to weddings. Okay, okay, okay, it's all permitted.

Also, shooting stars are Allah's javelins to shoot devils with. Not at all random space rocks. Unless Allah chooses to call random space rocks 'javelins.' In which case it is permitted.

Also he is not called YHWH anymore... I mean He never was... I mean His name is Allah now. I mean always was. Even though the Torah is also scripture. And the Torah says YHWH. But you shouldn't read it. You didn't read it, did you? I mean, that's wrong. But it's still God's word. But don't read it."


THE JEWS:

"My God, my God, why have You forsaken me and my poor brain, to make me put up with this nutso crap?"


THE CHRISTIANS:

Hey, you deviated from the instructions first, yo. Don't blame us if we continue to create more deviations from instructions. After all, you were our example.